Dispatch from Sperlonga: Early 1st Century AD
The trials and tribulations of ruling a vast Empire are fraying the delicate nerves of our luxury-loving emperor, Tiberius. In a desperate attempt to find (yet another) place to get away from it all, our esteemed ruler is in the process of constructing a swanky seaside villa on a particularly idyllic stretch of the Tyrrhenian coast, some 70 miles south of Rome, where rocky cliffs riddled with caves or speluncae overlooking broad sandy beaches and a crystal clear sea once sailed by Odysseus.
Though the area is a well-established Roman resort, royalty watchers are shocked that the Emperor should choose to further expand his portfolio of luxury real estate with a villa in this locale, for his strained architects are already working around the clock to construct the twelve villas he’s scattering across the toney island of Capri. Countering arguments that the Emperor chose the location because of the quality of the local eels, an anonymous source close to the ruler reports that the site was chosen both for its natural beauty and for its proximity to important sites that affirm the heroic origins of Tiberius and his Julio-Claudian ancestors.
Always eager to keep our readers apprised of the latest in imperial architecture, the eCool blog is happy to report that we’ve been given exclusive access to plans for the royal retreat. Our preliminary study of those plans – as well as interviews with unnamed sources close to the Emperor – suggest that the new villa will provide the frazzled sovereign with state-of-the-art luxuries like hypocaust-heated rooms, inlaid marble or opus sectile floors, and a twelve-chariot garage.
Well-positioned to take in spectacular seaside views, the villa complex will also include a dining room unlike any other known in the Roman world. At this very moment, an unusually large cave at the water’s edge is being retro-fitted with fish-breeding pools and stylish banqueting couches. Decoration of the dining cave will follow a mythological theme, with artworks created by the most esteemed sculptors of our era.
Rumor has it that the centerpiece of the triclinium will be a colossal sculpture carved by the Rhodian wonderboys, Athanadoros, Polydorus, & Hagesandros of Rhodes (the super-sculptors that earned so much acclaim for their representation of the Laocoon, now on display in Rome). We are told that the artists have been asked to render an over-life-size image of the blinding of the Cyclops Polyphemus, a story known to us all from our childhood study of Homer’s Odyssey.
Though the artists will not confirm the report, they do suggest that such a theme would be in keeping with their long-standing interest in depicting dramatic and even shocking subjects. They also hint that if asked to undertake this task, they would likely depict the very moment that the hulking Cyclops, collapsed in a drunken stupor, has his eye gouged out by Odysseus and his men. “It would be such a challenge to represent a one-eyed creature without making him look utterly repulsive,” said Athanadoros during our recent interview. “Yes, and I’d love an opportunity to carve Odysseus in such a way as to convey his courage, tenacity, and cleverness,” added Polydorus while Hagesandros nodded and winked slyly.
Rumor also suggests that Cyclops will not be alone in the cave, but that he will be part of a larger decorative ensemble that includes another colossal sculpture, this time of valiant Odysseus and his brave men battling Scylla. Life-size representations of Odysseus with the body of Achilles and Odysseus and of Diomedes with the Paladium, the sacred image of Athena stolen from the city of Troy are also planned.
Why the relentless Homeric rehash? While the great Augustus, stepfather of Tiberius, bored us to tears with endless references to his magical, mystical ancestors, Aeneas and Romulus, our current monarch focuses on another line of his family tree. Those readers who were attentive in their high school Roman Civics courses will recall that Tiberius, as well as the other members of the Claudii family, claim descent from Telegonus, a son born to Odysseus during his fling with the sorceress Circe.
Which, dear readers, explains everything. Imagine that you have been invited to feast with Tiberius in his glorious dining cave. Torches line the walls. As the flames flicker, the Odyssean sculptures that surround your dining couch seem almost to come to life Before your very eyes, the wily and daring Odysseus performs the superhuman feats that generations have celebrated. Is it the light? Is it the wine? Or have you entered the realm of gods and heroes?
Outside the cave, the waves lap the sandy shore, making a rhythmic noise that reminds you that in his long bout with post-Trojanic stress, Odysseus’s ship ploughed that very sea, stopping just a few miles away on Monte Circeo where the hero took up residence with Circe, an enchantress whose pharmaceutical powers caused Odysseus to forget his home and family temporarily and to live happily as her consort. From their union sprang a family so powerful as to now lead the Roman Empire.
Will it end here? Will the villa at Sperlonga (along with the 12 on Capri) satiate our Emperor’s desire for luxury settings? Or will Tiberius be lured away by the song of the sirens?
